Feining interest... or other hazards of partial revelation

What is the process of true feeling revelation?  Is it just " Sorry, I ate the chocolate that you were saving."  ...or is that only a prelude to words that are too blurred to be expressed?  "Sorry, I ate the chocolate you were saving  because I really wanted to throw away everything I own and join a monastery because I don't belong in my life or anywhere for that matter because I really hate chocolate but you love it more than you love me and because........?"  

We are fortunate to have language as an aid to expression; also, art, cinema, literature, cell phones, video games, substances, computers, poetry, music, philosophy, religion, therapists, meditation, exercise, marathons, dance etc.  However, wouldn't it be ultimately more satisfying if we could really make clear the fuzzy words that are trapped inside?...if the words could reveal themselves a drop at a time; appear, disappear, and reappear again.. perhaps in a different form or at a different time...until finally, even we would know what we are trying to divulge.


Manzanilla


Delicate Tact lets Sooth cower
under absolute silence less the
"Tippler" appear.
From what Cocoon a Butterfly?
To what Jailer does she comply?

Asunder casts a Heart buoyant.
Brilliant Intellect argues a case
to Wind, Breezes, Bubbling Brooks,
Giggles, Teases-- who all so
freely care, listen sincerely,
contribute a phrase or two;
but are gone as before--the Air.

01/18/09


"Tippler"   a tipsy character in a poem by Emily Dickinson     He is Tipsy by either spinning or drinking, Interpreters argue as to which. This is perhaps my favorite poem written by Emily Dickinson. To me, her poems are the pinnacle of subtle yet intimate expression.  She somehow manages to turn herself inside out; and because exposed, her flesh reveals her inner most thoughts.  


#214



I taste a liquor never brewed,
From Tankards scooped in Pearl;
Not all the Frankfort Berries
Yield such an alcohol!

Inebriate of Air-- am I--
And Debauchee of Dew--
Reeling-- thro' endless summer days-
From inns of Molten Blue--

When "Landlords" turn the drunken Bee
Out of the Foxglove’s door-
When Butterflies-- renounce their "drams"--
I shall but drink the more!

Till Seraphs swing their snowy Hats--
And Saints-- to windows run--
To see the little Tippler
From Manzanilla come!

by Emily Dickinson

I, not being as cleaver as Emily and certainly lacking her unique eclectic vocabulary, can only grasp the tails of wispy intangible stubborn cyphers awaiting their entrance.



2009

Your fading snores comfort me from a
wall behind vows taken lightly,
refusing your promise or any.

To what avail is this annex viewing?
Perfection from blue eyes,
blue steel eyes that miss nothing.

I was flippant with the poems because
they were lazily hanging around.  I took
offense at their slovenly indolent after
the fact critique of my annoying loneliness.

I could have gone to see you uninvited.
I could have explained how my paralysis
caused an inconvenience; but you were
being yourself, and I hated you for it.

10-24-09

Trains

I am only writing about trains because I am really longing for a plane trip to Florida but can't commit to a date. I know that I  have to get a jump on it early, so the ticket won't be too expensive.  Whew!  So, I got really excited when I saw my relatives getting free Southwest airline tickets from the web.  I checked it out and ZAP nothing.   Lies, hype and disappointment.  Sigh.  The nerve of marketing scams!!

However, I am not one to be rained out completely.  I can be, but I am on a new trend of positive come-back.  Therefore, I am going to write about trains. 

I took a train two years ago to visit my son; and since I was alone, I got to absorb the scenery and muse on the passing buildings, the sounds of the train, and the ramblings of my imagination.  Sadly, my son didn't rave over my poem and only said, "Neglect eh?"

My come-back?  I am publishing my poem and dedicating it to Trains, Sons, and Travelers everywhere!



Fresno Train  

All Aboard!
Martinez, Modesto, Madera, Merced.

All Aboard!
Backlands of the San Francisco Bay.

All Aboard!
Backyard Doughboys, puddles, sheds,
graffiti, leaning fences, neglect,
cul-de-sac streets, old cars, and trucks.

All Aboard!
New communities with no space for clutter or rust.

All Aboard!
The horn blows past factories, farms, seedlings in
neat wet rows looking up at the big Montana sky.
Its iridescent clouds' big fat cheeks ready to rain
some more or float away.

All Aboard!

O1-24-2009

Apologies

A little too full of I am sorries right now, yet, wondering what for?  I am sorry I am me?  hmmm doesn't seem right.  I am sorry for my mistakes.  well, OK.  We should all reflect and take stock. 

We need to be careful with "I am sorry".  It isn't always our fault.  I once admired a friend who said, "I never say I am sorry."  Wow!  How bold.  Yet, as time passed, I noticed a few "I am sorries" whispered softly from his lips.  Did he suddenly become an abuser, or did he suddenly become more aware of his responsibility in social interaction?  Personally, I think he realized the sensitive nature of humans and became aware of his ability to cause harm.  I think he became human.

'94

Tip toe past the wind in the early morning hours.
See that by August God lopped off the flowers,
weary of blooming "y El Labrador sin horas".
Watch Mulberry leaves settle on a Sunday
afternoon.  Make humble inquiries as to
the where-a bouts of the Moon.

08/94



Jardin

I planted Cosmos in a garden for you.
Became Sherlock Holmes.  Unraveled
my arrogance into strands of silk dyed
by my tears in a rainbow of sorrow.
No apologies no regrets in a grey
endless hue.  Should I be sorry that
I love you?

1994

Centrifugal Force

I am not sure what this title has to do with what I want to say except that the meeting of and subsequent reaction to colliding realities move at a very fast pace for some and more slowly for others.  Oh, how I wish I were the calm one that knows for certain my reality is the correct one; and that the other foolish Whirling Dervishes are simply SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!! 

Not so.   I am the one holding on to resolutions like, " I have made sooo many mistakes by remaining silent.  I am going to say what is on my mind.  I am going to reveal my reality.  It is the survival thing to do."

I only wish this were the true agreed upon course of action, and that patience could be taken with the stumblings and fumblings of first attempts.

                                                                     

Foibles                                                                      

                                                                                     

It is time to climb the mountain,

Perform a ritualistic dance -
Reach out to the Heavens -
Grab the apron strings of Chance.
Pry open the the walls of Koppelberg Hill

and squeeze our lame bodies through.

Enter a world of magic.

A Mystical Whim pursue.

I am tired of facts and "Crust" toothpaste, alas,
doesn't do half what it should.
Those enzyme detergents are bugs in my suds,
and I'm sure would eat me if they could.

So line up now with your concerns that matter.
Consult the Swami or ask the Mad Hatter,
who mirrors the Philosopher Stone. 
He muses mid clutter in deafening clatter;
but oh, how in-sightly he does hone.

To a mountain that beckons
with each of us reckons
waiting for the Piper to sound.
Take us away in a hypnotic trance.
A whirling twirling feverish dance
to a wondrous, magical land.
We will throw away our crutches,
escaping the clutches of the likes
of the "Onec-lers" we knew.
We are granted our wishes on verges
and cruxes- A Mystical Whim pursue.

1988

Onec-ler - A materialistic insensitive Dr. Seuss character
from his story "The Lorax"



Koppelberg Hill - A hill outside of Hamlin, Germany where the Pied Piper brought the children after the town refused to pay him for relieving them of their rats.  One child, a lame boy, could not walk fast enough and was left to stay in the town alone without play mates.

Oppression

I saw a course offered today at the local Community College titled "Dealing with difficult people".  I couldn't help but notice because I have long felt that truly contented people are those who aren't affected by the behavior of others.  A few of those "others" are often difficult.  They are difficult because there is some insensitive part of them that intentionally or unintentionally keeps those around them in a lower state, or is it that the people in the lower state in their humility and shaky self-esteem are too easily fooled by the puffed up illusion projected by those feigning superiority?  I admire the insubordinate who "tells it like it is"  in such a way that no action can be taken.  Their subtle comment is slightly below the insult mark and made in teasing humor, so that the arrogance of the "superior" is knocked down a notch.

I am reminded along this subject of a poem by Emily Dickinson, which makes me think that the dilemma of "psychological brow-beating" is timeless.

#288 

I'm Nobody!  Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - Too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!

How dreary - to be - Somebody!
How public - like a Frog -
To tell one's name - the livelong June -
To an admiring Bog!

So, returning to the subject of "Difficult People" and their ability to oppress those around them.  I am inclined to think there is a therapy for the oppressed.  A "being on one's toes" sort of therapy, a constant vigilance and alarm system put in place so that when the moment of degradation is near an army of defense is called to arms ready to strike the perpetrator before he/she speaks or even dares to glance in an offensive manner.  I suppose it is a "snap back" therapy; and believe me, that even though I am well armed and ready, there are still those who catch me off guard and leave me in a charged muddle, agonizingly plotting my revenge!

Christmas

Bubbly bouncy guys with blood shot eyes.
Don't understand the axioms,
point their fingers at my sins.
I am an old Indian, and I don't understand;
years and years in the clay mines,
and on our bodies not one spot of red sand!

Your God is a Material God.
He swallows you on Christmas.
Your God is a Sugar God,
He nibbles at you on Easter.
Your God is a Familial God.
He teaches you lessons through your children.
Your God is a Benevolent God.
He gives them to those who have none.

1986

Acceptance of persons, events and time

I have found myself in the throes of regret and blame these last four months.  I want to return to a difficult time and remake the decision that placed me here.  My mind traces each detail of my decision and we both nod in agreement that it was the best thing to do.  Yet, I know now that I was mistaken, and somehow the possibilities of the other decision are floating away as my limited time teases me and mocks my very existence.  "Damn the recession and the baby boomers!" 

The part of me that wasn't consulted remains quiet and reminds me that the road not taken is just that, not taken.  It quotes the Tao and waits.  "When it blows, there is only wind; when it rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through."



Friant


Onion compresses, when
Clay or Comfrey are not
around wounds so deep.
Stairs climb shadows
unable to descend.
An interested friend lays
treasures at my feet.

Hoist an infant, chastise
a child, hold fast.   Your
Grit will determine at birth,
your Pitfalls bleed blame.
A new face causes eyes to
squint. Nothing is the same.


02-1-09

Misconceptions

Everyone knows that "you can't tell a book by its cover", and that "familiarity breeds contempt." But does anyone understand why, or what causes us to fall repeatedly into the "misconception trap".

I guess the worst victims are young virginal girls trusting seed sowing wolves to love and honor. However, we all to some extent want to believe that first impression when what you see is what you get. How boring, really, would it be if that jovial person you meet were to always be that two dimensional character. The unfolding of a person can also be the intrigue that leads to love and beyond.

Nevertheless, spending a life time with the Jekyll and Hyde under my skin, I am warned to look carefully and deeply before casting judgment on another.  Before entrusting my soul: study the facets and surprises of familiarity.


The Moon's Paladin


Saturn kissed the Moon last night.
I watched him through the window.
He snuck up close and held her tight.
What a daring fellow!

Saturn traveled far last night.
He is a far and distant traveler.
I wondered as he held her tight,
"Does he really love her?"

"Saturn, May I speak to you.
You many ringed romancer.
I question as you set to woo
your wondrous pale moon lover."

Saturn turns and looks at me
his enormous green eyes smiling.
"Oh Earthling, I can't help but laugh
at your presumptuous implying.

It is true I am a roguish sort,
quite alone and drifting; and
the Moon she tells a luring
story with her lovely singing.

But I am not the one of whom
she sings, although I envy his
attractive splendor. She is
instead one of my flock, for
I am the Moon's proud tender."

December, 1972